missing him.

This is my second blog.. the first one, as hard at it was it write, really helped me.. It put alot of things in perspective for me.. and it helped organize my thoughts.. So I figured I'd give it another shot..


A little history for you.....
We met at the lake in Florala.. I was 20 years old. He was 29. It was the first time he had put his boat in the water and he was with a few boys that I knew. Well if you know me, then you know I don't meet a stranger- ever. So I jumped on the boat with them and we rode off.. after a while of riding and talking on the boat- they were getting the tube ready... well I said some smart comment- which in turn he had an even smarter one back to me.. and told me I wasn't brave enough to ride the tube.. He didn't know me.. obviously! So I got on the tube and here we go... when I finally landed back in water from flying what felt like 1,000 feet in the air and came out of the water I was just a cussing him... and he was just a fighting back.. and we've been fighting ever since!! =) That's what you get when you mix two hard headed, stubborn, passionate people together.. and I loved every minute of it! I learned early on that he was a firefighter.. and like all girls this sparked my interest a little more! I'll never forget the first time I went to the fire station.. It was on a Sunday and I had a dress on from church.. he called and asked if I wanted to come by.. well--- like girls do- I called Lauren and made her go with me- but first I had to go change clothes--- I couldn't slide down the pole with a dress on!! ha! I was sooooo disappointed when I got there and there was no pole!! haha! He always joked with me about that.
He proposed to me on Christmas Eve.. He tied a black ribbon that came on the box around the ring and put it on a single rose (I still have the rose and ribbon). I got the down on one knee, Carrie I love you, Will you marry me... but that's the kind of man he is.. that's how he was raised.. that was his way of life. He was always.. always so respectful..even in the middle of a fight- he respected me. He treated me like a princess... and would have it no other way- no matter what I did or say, he loved me just the same.
He worked 24 hours and was off 48 from Opp. On his days off he worked at the airport during the week. I knew going into our relationship and life together that my going and doing, my life that I was use to, and just my whole normal was about to change. He loved what he did. He loved fighting fire. He was human- he would come home and complain sometimes- he even mentioned a few times about getting a "normal" job and being home every night- I just laughed at him. But I fully believe with my whole soul that to be a firefighter, to be away from your home, your family, your life, and running into burning buildings, cutting cars open to save people trapped in them, waking up at 3 am to an alarm at the hospital.. you have to love it. You just have to.
Our whole life together was scheduled around the fire department. Our wedding day- which included our honeymoon. Our vacations. Our dates. Our life. He worked every holiday- including both of our birthdays last year..  When he was home and the pager went off- he was gone again. Countless meals missed, moments that would never happen again missed, hours of sleep, time with me, his family, our family.. trips with friends.. So many things to sacrifice to help others, and we complain about getting up and going to our job that is 8 to 5 and easy. It wasn't always easy for me.. actually it was a constant battle.. I'm a selfish woman- I wanted him, all of him, all the time.
I'll never forget the day that he came home and said that the airport may be going to 24 hour shifts. I rolled my eyes at him and thought he was crazy. It was always something. Well- a few weeks passed and he came home and was a little more serious about this whole airport thing- sat me down- asked what I thought with him picking up another shift.. deep down I wanted to pitch a 2 year old hissy fit in our kitchen floor.. but I said it was fine.. with tears in my eyes.. So now the man I love would not only be gone one night- but two in a row and only be home for one. But I told him, after thinking about it a few days, that if he wanted to do it that now was the time in our life that we could. We didn't have children, I was back in school- so why not?
Jonathan worked so hard making the airport work out- he planned, called people, drew out things, scheduled meetings, went head to head with people, and all that to make it happen... I was so proud of him- and he was so proud of himself!
He had just started his extra shift at the airport when he passed away. I think it had only been a week or so- maybe 2- for some reason I have a complete blank there..
We went to Destin the Saturday before the dreaded Tuesday.. just to go- that's what we did- we got in the car and went... we went wherever we wanted to whenever we wanted to. I am so thankful for that Saturday. We had such a great time. That was the last day I was with him. He went to work Sunday morning at 7 in Opp, then on to the airport Monday morning.. and was suppose to get off that Tuesday at 7 in the evening. He never made it home.
I know alot of people's lives were changed from this.. but this is me.
My whole life was snatched out from under me.. my plans, my dreams, my future, my life. He was all of that and more.
Some days I can almost literally hear him say.."Baby- you are better than this. Pick yourself up.. where is the strong, hard headed, stubborn woman at I married?" He use to get so aggravated with me.. he always said I was "to good to people".. and he would get so mad when I let people walk all over me.
He was a firm believer in respect. Respect for yourself, respect for others, respect to your elders, respect to women, respect to anyone and everyone. He was a firm believer in doing the right thing. He was a firm believer in his morals, values, and beliefs. One of the main things I loved the most about him is that he would stand up for what he believed to be right and respectful at any time to any one right by himself. He didn't have to have a slew of people standing behind him.. he believed in the right thing and would do everything in his power to make sure it was done- with respect.
I've learned- and continue to learn everyday, that people are not always right and just. I've learned that people will judge you no matter what. I've learned that no one will take care of you and that you have to take care of yourself. I've learned that when times get tough, people flee- some flee to you, some flee away from you. I've learned that some people mean well, but alot are just curious. I've learned that when the rest of the world runs out, you're family is still really there. I've learned that some people are fake. I've learned that some people are so amazing. I've learned that there are angels here on earth. I've learned how to say no. I've learned how to take care of myself. and for the first time in my life.. I've learned how to stand up for something I believe in even if I'm standing alone- and I'm not afraid anymore.
You never really know how you would handle a situation until it's in your face and you have no other choice but to take it by the horns. With every battle that comes in your life, every decision you have to make, you have only 2 choices-- you can lay down or you can climb the ladder and overcome it- learn from it- embrace it. I've personally have decided to go with option number 2- I want to climb out of this dark cloud. I want to learn every lesson I can from this. I want to overcome every obstacle that is going to be thrown in my way. And I will! I will do all of these things, and hopefully more, while at the same time respecting my husband. I know him better than anyone- a side that no one knows.. and he knew a side of me that no one knew- that's part of becoming one with someone- you give everything you have to them.
I know without a doubt I might not have said the right thing, or acted the right way, or presented myself the right way, on more than one occasion throughout this journey so far-and I'm sure I'll make many many more mistakes, but I'm here to tell you- I believe it within my whole heart and soul-- that Jonathan Burgess is so proud of me and the woman I have become through this.
I feel him smile when I smile. I feel him laugh when I laugh. I feel him in every way- everyday. I know he's proud.. and I know he wouldn't have it any other way but for me to be me... and continue to love life.. and live it to the fullest. And as long as I know he would want me to be all of this and more - I don't need anyone else's approval- thankfully. 
I will continue to fight for what is right. I will continue to fight for respect that is owed to him. I will continue to strive to make a difference in every way I can- through him.
No matter what happens in this life without him standing beside me- I will make sure his legacy lives on forever. I will make sure that people always remember the man he was and continues to be. I will make sure people remember the great things he did throughout his life- his smile- his laugh- every part of him.

No matter who they are calling on the other end of the radio- he will always be FD3- Captain Jonathan Burgess. No one will ever take his place in this world. Not at the fire station, not at the airport, not in my life. He is a great man- and will continue to be the man he always was.

                     "Living alone, here in this place, I think of you---- and I'm not afraid..."